North Fell

Unrequited Love Is All I Need

About one year ago, almost to the week, I fell in love with a beautiful woman. I always hesitate to use the word "woman" when referring to someone of my own age group (in this case referencing a twenty-one year old, female college student), but I believe I dislike the use of the word "girl" even less because there is so much less emphasis on the whole of the person when using "girl". "Woman", to me, denotes beauty and truth and at least a handful of other righteous qualities that I should be searching for. "Girl" denotes a decent hump after a long night of pointless boasting. So, henceforth I shall stick to "woman" when the situation arises.

And onward we go.

There is no injury more powerful than the injuries that we, as people, inflict upon ourselves. In my case my biggest pain comes from my constant struggles with unrequited love and "plutonic" friendships and all the struggle that is entailed therein. I simply cannot help the fact that I fall in love with close female friends from time to time, because, to be wholly honest with myself, the qualities I look for in a significant other are closely mirrored to the qualities that I look for in a friend as well. And this woman, this beautiful person that I can call one of my closest friends at the moment, is everything that I am looking for, and sometimes so much more.

I was sitting outside with her last night discussing our friendship and how it's odd to me that we spend so much time together when we are, in fact, so different both on the outside and inside. I am a loud, sometimes obnoxious, sometimes confrontational (when the topic suits me) person. She, on the other hand, is meek and sensitive, and so utterly lacking a defensive posture of any kind. She has gotten angry with me because I argue with people I don't know about bands that I love or hate, such as the cases may be.

She is popular and outgoing and willing to meet new people and comfortable in any number of various social situations. I cannot stand to be most of the places that I go, but I do them because I am with the people that I love and that somehow seems to make it all okay. When I'm with her, though, I feel like almost nothing can go wrong. Except, of course, for this desperate case of unrequited love.

It's happened to me since time out of mind, especially noticeable since I moved out on my own and was forced to forge friendships with people that would've otherwise been considered out of my comfort range. This one, though, feels different, and looks different, and I can't quite put my finger on what it is. She is gorgeous and smart and loving, all traits that are commendable, but there is something else there -- some nameless, faceless, untraceable quality that escapes me. I can't begin to fathom what it is that she does to me when I'm not around her. I thought that I could forget her once I left her tonight, but my thoughts proved false and I'm stuck here, on a blank screen pouring my heart out to no one. I expect nothing from her, yet I yearn for it every moment I'm with her. And I have come to the point where I simply do not know what to do.

I apologize for the sappy nature of this little piece. Sometimes the fingers know not what they write. Good night.